10

Author: N. Ray

This summer, I found myself going through a phase of seasonal depression —summer depression to be exact— but the motive behind it was quite different than what I had expected. Rather than feeling that familiarly anonymous and inexplicable boredom, or feeling like my chest was a hot air balloon or an enclosed bedroom with no air ventilation on a sunny summer afternoon, I was outrageously stressed. In the days before this feeling, I dove deep into the internet-provided resource bank about universities and their application processes. There, I encountered anthologies and personal stories of Ivy League alumni and admissions officers explaining in under a minute the pathway to these universities firsthand, the yellow brick road to success. These videos are what kept me pumped every waking hour of the day. Through the algorithms, I was able to access guides on starting non-profit organizations, the “classifications” of extracurricular activities, and even competitive opportunities like prestigious tournaments or writing awards to be won. I collected and saved all the information I came across into a personal folder titled “college.” At least on paper, it seemed like I was innovative and on the path to victory. Yet even with the research I had done I felt afraid and lost. It was the prospect of actually needing to take action soon that made me feel afraid because, despite the countless videos I had watched, this collection of online resources served as a constant reminder that time was ticking, and if I didn’t take action now, I may never do so. 

The number 10 is very special in this context. After the age of ten, you inch closer and closer to the end of your elementary years and move on to the years where academic excellence and merit are more weighted. In competitive environments like UWCSEA or the study culture in Singapore in general, students are often encouraged by societal standards or narratives to start young, maybe even younger than the age of ten. The college application process is intertwined with this value as well. An individual has to be able to single-handedly list out 10 extra-curricular activities with many of these activities being considered on a spectrum of 4 tiers ranging from the most “valuable” to the least,  while also being able to list a minimum of 5 awards they’ve won. Extracurriculars that operate on social engagement necessitate follower bases in multiples of ten to be considered attractive to college admission officers or impactful to the community. I often hear that the process itself is an extension of you as a learner and a demonstration of your values, but truly, the transactional and numerical considerations placed on these passions stray far away from demonstrating any sense of individuality or further learning and personal growth. 

The conundrum here as a rising sophomore is simple; I only have 2 school years to plan out my pathway and get myself together. In this merit-based world, it seemed that I would have to meticulously calculate all the possible ways I could build up “points” in this system. Whether it be achievements or opportunities, I knew I needed to craft ways to make myself stand out from the general applicant pool filled with other competitive and high-achieving UWC students. At this point, I am still somewhat clueless. I do understand that UWC’s college counseling program adequately provides students with staff and experts who can aid them in this process, but what worries me and perhaps worries other peers considering beginning this pathway is the uncertainty of it all. The thing is, how things can turn out during an application can be arbitrary. Even though there are many ways you can influence and get an idea of your chances, you never know if you’re doing enough or what other people are doing at the same time. This makes the boundary of competition quite blurred. That was the first issue that stumped me. Immediately, I questioned the odds that were against me; as an international student with a lack of academic and extracurricular excellence, was it too challenging for me to begin planning and molding the profile I wanted to present in three years? And what if I didn’t collect my thoughts in time? Where would I end up then? 

At the end of these trails of thought that led me nowhere, I attempted to gain more insight through the first-hand resources I could access; graduated seniors and upperclassmen. Through a few of these individuals, I was able to access new perspectives and advice on the steps of the application process. Whether it be ways to prepare for the SAT or opinions on whether or not numerical outcomes mattered more than genuine passion. A lot of these students were also willing to share their resources and engaged in detailing the ways they were able to network. The processes are honestly quite complex. To even get an opportunity as a high schooler it’s been largely suggested to me that I have a decent amount of merit packaged on a resume and even enough courage to be willing to cold email professors or personnel responsible for providing internships. 

Upon viewing an exemplary resume from an upperclassman which successfully enabled her to attend 2 meaningful internships over the summer, I realized that I had utter nothing. 

For me at least, this ongoing dilemma of mine has been regarded as a good thing because supposedly it meant I was already “ahead of the game.” Yet the stress remained because, in actuality, it didn’t matter if I was thinking about these things, because these thoughts would ultimately amount to nothing if actions were not manifested from them. 

I’ve been told that I’m still young and that I still have time but the unwavering uncertainty of whether or not I have the self-control and passion to utilize this time effectively appalls me in the sense that I am afraid of what might happen if I’m unable to put my thoughts into actions. 

As I’m currently writing this in the summer, there’s less than a month until the beginning of the school year. What did I do during my freshman summer? Absolutely nothing. The thing I’m still coming to terms with. 

Though I may have not known what would come for me expectation-wise after the age of ten or which ten extracurriculars I’m going to list during the application season of senior year, I’m willing to be versatile and continue to change my narrative as time goes on. I look forward to trying new things in the upcoming school year, to being strong even when I’m on the brink of breaking down from stressful episodes and understanding that at the end of the day, I’m just a teenager and I don’t need to be perfect in every aspect. 

Coming to terms with the fact that I can’t always be perfect and can’t always be at my 100% doesn’t mean I won’t try and I think this goes for all students who may be struggling with balancing school and extracurriculars and the navigation toward IB. Don’t compare yourself to others, just be the best you can be and maximize your potential. 

And maybe when I am standing on that stage on the day of my graduation I’ll think back to my elementary school years when I was 10 and think about how far I’ve come. For many more decades to come, I’m excited to see where my journey and reforms will take me.